Admittedly, sleeping pills have been one of my longest relationships. I’ve relied on the sweet surrender they provide since I was in high school, when Desyrel was my drug of choice. At the time it enabled me to get some much needed slumber despite my mom and step dad’s alcohol fueled shouting matches and my constant anxiety regarding boys, friends, and the never-ending quest to be cool. Though popularity would allude me, one thing certainly did not- a dependence upon prescription sleep-aids.
Ambien was a dear friend and companion during my twenties. I’d have conversations and even outings I had no recollection of- which is scary in retrospect! But the guarantee that once I popped that pill it’d be lights out in thirty minutes, was very much worth the risk to me. Few things in life are certain, but knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that I could control such a critical function, was a power I wasn’t willing to relinquish any time soon.
When I got married in my thirties, my husband was concerned- by that point I was taking a new pill called Lunesta to sleep and then a supplement named Altovis to get me going for my early morning retail job. In acquiescing to my partner, I eventually substituted Lunesta for Benadryl and got rid of the Altovis altogether. Granted, he would’ve preferred I not take Benadryl either, but since I rose hours before the sun and my snoring partner, there were some concessions I wasn’t willing to make.
My Benadryl habit continued until my early forties. I’d been experiencing lightheadedness for years and doctors couldn’t seem to figure out the cause. I knew I had low blood pressure, which is normal for me. As I began taking a deeper look into my trusty nighttime sidekick, I discovered that Benadryl can lower blood pressure as well. Once I stopped relying on it, my symptoms subsided. Problem solved, almost.
As a newly separated woman in her early forties, and feeling the strain of an impending divorce, I found myself in the throes of insomnia yet again. It didn’t help matters that our new block scheduling system had me coming to work at 5am, as opposed to 6am, and insomnia is on the long list of soul-sucking side-effects of perimenopause. So once again, my ex slowly crept back into my life- the pill, not the man.
In resuming my long lost love affair with sleep-aids, I began with Trazodone, which is actually an antidepressant that can help with sleep, and is less addictive than Ambien or Lunesta. It didn’t sufficiently knock me out (a prerequisite), yet caused extreme grogginess the following day which for me, wasn’t worth the trouble; so Lunesta was reintroduced. I decided to invite Ambien back to the party as well, alternating them so as to avoid building a tolerance to either one. Sometimes, I’d even gamble with the occasional Benadryl to ensure sleep would be imminent.
But despite my best efforts, I found myself increasing the dosages of my sleeping pills- so much for not building a tolerance! Worse yet, and much to my chagrin, I found myself struggling to get the sleep that was once all but guaranteed.
It became clear I had a choice to make- find a way to get off these pills once and for all, or keep taking more and more until I risked not waking up at all…