Now that I am forty nine and on the precipice of many life altering situations, I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting. I know that circumstances can change dramatically and often with little or no warning. If times are good- enjoy it and brace for change. If times are bad- hang in there for this too shall pass. Change, like death and taxes is a certainty and sometimes it leads to transformative role reversals where the haves and have nots switch places- where real and surreal collide.
Here are a couple personal experiences that shaped me in profound ways:
I was nineteen when I met Mr. and Mrs. D. At the time I was working with their daughter Sally at a local restaurant and was in need of a place to live. Sally assured me that I could stay with them as they had taken in several people over the years and helped them get back on their feet. Until that point I had never known such kindness and generosity existed. I met her parents and they fed/housed me rent free for nine months while I worked two jobs and saved money. They lived in Highlands Ranch which was a very well-to-do neighborhood at the time. Though I felt like a bit of an outsider tax bracket wise, I welcomed their love and support with open arms and eventually got a place of my own.
Years later, Mr. and Mrs. D. had fallen on hard times and moved in with Sally and her husband. At this juncture I was married and had a nice home of my own and money was no longer the source of tension it once was. Luckily, between Mr. and Mrs. D’s tight knit family and their faith in God they always had the love and support they so freely gave to others like me and they were able to get back on their feet as well.
Also when I was nineteen, I began seeing a therapist who I’ll call Helen. Sadly, after I got my own place I started doing drugs as a way of punishing/numbing myself for having an affair with a married man who was also my boss. Every week, like clockwork, I’d go to Helen’s office and out came the tissues and my eventual breakdown would ensue. On her desk I couldn’t help but notice a picture of Helen with her loving husband and two adorable children. A cookie cutter image of the proverbial American dream. I wanted what she had, or at least what I assumed she had; a good head on her shoulders. A secure and loving relationship. A wholesome family. But I was barely hanging on and all that seemed to be forever out of the realm of possibility.
Fast forward thirteen years: Helen was divorced and embracing life as a single mom. My drug use was in the distant past, I was married to a loving and devoted man, and we had two adorable furbabies whom we had adopted. To the outside world I seemed to have it all. And for clarity’s sake, I should explain that Helen was not bitter or scorned. She had a thriving career and preferred being single to settling- her words.
After my husband and I divorced I came into some money. Though I spent it on many frivolous things, I also gave a lot of it to worthy causes and to friends in need. I bought a home. I quit my job, wrote a memoir, and tried many entrepreneurial opportunities. This was all well and good, but when they didn’t pan out instead of taking action, I shut down. I had spent five years in a place physically and opportunity wise that I had never imagined possible and failed to realize my life raft had been slowly disintegrating over time.
Once more, I find myself looking for a place to live as I can no longer afford my current home and I am seeking employment wherever I can find it. To be clear- I am not a victim, nor am I a failure. If anything, it is my nature to seek security and to hate myself for allowing things to get to this point, but this is LIFE!!!
You can fight against the tide or you can roll with it and let it take you to your next stop. I’ve been on the other side of these waters. I was younger then, but I was also a lot more naive. Life has a way of balancing out.
All that to say I can claim how I wish life to be, but it’s not my place to say how life is supposed to be. For now I will surrender and let the current guide me- I’m too old and too wise to fight it.