In my quest for sanity I have tried many things: pharmaceuticals, psychedelics, ketamine, edibles, therapists, psychics, exercise, meditation, walks in nature, women’s circles, etc. I even had a psychological evaluation hoping for some answer as to why I continue to struggle so much. Though I believe many of the aforementioned methods were and continue to be beneficial, I remained adamant that pharmaceuticals were not for me. I even wrote about my aversion to them in my memoir, citing the many side effects they often include. No judgement, if you need them, more power to you, but I, for one, would never go down that path again. However, the older I get I find myself becoming humbled time and again by the realities I had previously chosen not to see.
Before I explain myself, I owe it to my readers to explain what happened with the ketamine lozenges I spoke so highly of in previous articles. I was so enamored with the positive effects that I even built a ketamine sitting business around it, which never took off. In hindsight, the effects, though profound, didn’t seem to last. I would feel amazing during the session and 1-2 days after and then regress back to normal. Some things to keep in mind- I never tried injections or infusions, which are supposed to be more intense and longer lasting, but are also more expensive. But what really sold me on ketamine is that it creates new neural pathways in your brain, rewiring it in a way that is supposed to have a long-term, positive impact. I can’t say whether or not it changed my brain, but my boyfriend swears he’s noticed a difference since I began treatment, so there’s that.
As far as the psilocybin goes, I tried microdosing it under the guidance of a mentor who grew her own medicine. I really liked how it almost instantly made me feel “lighter” and just plain happier. Unfortunately, I experienced a strange side effect in that it made my scalp super itchy. I knew the psilocybin was the culprit because the itching coincided with the timing of my doses. Therefore I found myself having to choose between a sleepless night of scratching or forging on. Have I mentioned that I already have insomnia? Sadly, that was a deal breaker for me.
Which brings me to the present day. I am not well- my anxiety and depression have been worse than ever, along with the realization that I also have ADHD. Because of this, Aja referred me to another professional who could hopefully help me. After filling out mountains of paperwork and meeting her online, Oona, a medication management specialist, felt the best course of action would be to put me on Pristiq for anxiety and depression and Focalin for ADHD.
Admittedly, medications have come a long way in the twenty years since I last tried them. Side effects are real and a legit concern, but it was time for me to swallow my pride and admit that I needed help, regardless of my past experiences. My hope is that the benefits will outweigh the cons, but it’s all new so time will tell.
For those of you who are also struggling, I hope you find what works for you and that you will show yourself the same grace and compassion you would offer someone else, because Lord knows staying the course is not for the weak and you are certainly not alone.