What makes you feel most alive? For me, it has always been committing my existence to paper. Maybe it’s because when I was in school it was something (the only thing) I received praise for. My right-brained tendencies ensured I would never become a mathlete or win a science fair. Though “good” writing is subjective, the positive feedback resulted in a newfound confidence, giving me permission to have the audacity to share my inner dialogue with the world. That is likely why when I wrote my memoir The Gifts That Haunt Me, it was the most “me” I had ever been. That was over four years ago and these blog articles, which are the blood coursing through my veins, represent the closest I get to reliving the high I experienced whilst pouring my soul onto those book pages.
To this day I still find it highly paradoxical that I’m so insecure about my perceived shortcomings, and yet I can’t wait to share them with the world. Perhaps it’s because when my vulnerabilities are in written form I can literally control the narrative- “See, I’m flawed, just like you. Look at how relatable I am!” But if you were to discover me out in the wild, aka, the grocery store, post-office, etc., there’s no context- I’m just a terrified, middle-aged woman with a crippling aversion to technology who hopes she appears cool and likeable.
Through the years I’ve found that writing is literally my safety blanket- picture Linus from the Charlie Brown cartoons. Feel free to google it if you’re too young to get the reference… I’ll wait.
And of all the entrepreneurial endeavors I’ve pursued, finishing my memoir was by far the most significant. So imagine my absolute shock and horror when I went on Amazon (I published my book through KDP over two years ago), only to discover that my paperback book was “currently unavailable” and they don’t know when it’ll be back in stock. I chose to publish through Amazon because it made sense logistically- they could easily send my book anywhere in the world; additionally, it’s print to order so I didn’t have to purchase tons of copies of my book, hoping to sell them. Subsequently, that also meant “currently unavailable” made no sense whatsoever.
The dream was and will always be that one day my memoir will become a best-seller. Unlikely? Sure. Absurd? You bet. But what’s the point of dreaming if you don’t dare to dream big? I’ve written extensively and exhaustingly about my initial expectations for my book. They were tragically idealistic/unrealistic, and thus propelled me into one of many deep depressions. What my therapist, Aja and I concluded was that my book would take off when it was meant to, and that the timing of that was up to a power far greater than myself- a realization the control freak in me eventually made peace with.
Still, just knowing it was out there made me beam with pride. It was a tangible triumph, regardless of how many copies it did or didn’t sell. It was proof of a goal reached, a life lived with purpose and intention. It was the culmination of many hours of blood, sweat, and tears that no foe or AI function could ever erase (that’s the beauty of writing about one’s own experiences) but, seemingly overnight, Amazon appeared to have done just that.
Now, if you’re thinking that with everything going on in the world, this is a very privileged problem to have, you’re not wrong. However, I do think now more than ever, it’s imperative that we focus on what brings us joy and the things we can control- even better if they’re one in the same.
For me, that just happens to be the telling of my life story, which was never intended to be a narcissistic endeavor, but more of a “Look at ALL the crazy mistakes I made! I hope you will learn from them, have a good laugh, and ultimately feel less alone”
So for now, my goal is to find out how to make my book accessible again, be it through Amazon or some other means, and in doing so, I will be planting seeds of hope and possibilities in my little world.
It is also my hope that you will give yourself permission to do the same because, in the words of author and WWII POW Kurt Vonnegut, “Enjoy the little things in life, for someday you’ll realize they were the big things.”