Admittedly, I’ve felt rather stuck for the majority of the past five years since leaving the Big Box Store where I’d worked for almost twenty three years and I’ve been desperate to find a way out.
I wrote/published a book and I pursued many entrepreneurial endeavors which did not pan out. I’ve written about my feelings of self loathing many times- who gets an opportunity like that and blows it? Blowing it is subjective, but for me it meant not ending up with a fulfilling, purposeful career where I was my own boss after having five years to do so. And things are about to get very real very soon. I likely won’t be able to afford health insurance next year. But who really needs the ACA? Certainly not the eight members of congress who voted to end the shutdown with zero guarantee that it will be extended, but I digress.
Additionally, I’ve realized that I can no longer afford to live in my home, thus I will be selling or renting it out sometime next year, whichever makes more sense.
To be clear, I got myself into this mess. I could’ve found a job at any point to supplement my finances and I chose not to. In my mind, if I didn’t go all in on the entrepreneurial paths, taking a job that would distract me from them meant giving up- it meant I didn’t truly believe in myself to succeed. On top of that nonsense, I was battling severe depression. Though that doesn’t make me unique, it does make it difficult at times to act in one’s own best interest; you’re not carefully planning for your future whilst wanting it all to just be over. Consequently, you’re oftentimes unable to handle the demands of running your own ship. That led to five years of chasing my own tail, or as I like to put it, swimming REALLY HARD upstream.
My recent experience with Ruby did not help matters- both emotionally and financially. So I began to spiral, because that is something that comes very naturally to me!
Then it occurred to me: I seem to white knuckle happiness the way an alcoholic white knuckles sobriety. Fear and sadness are my default- my more consistent state. “Well that fucking sucks!” I said to myself. “Who wants to be around that?” Certainly not me.
I knew when I left the Big Box Store that I was taking a risk- I also knew it was now or never in terms of writing the book I’d always dreamed of and taking chances. I’d always existed in a carefully constructed bubble where little ever changed and life felt secure and stable; I accepted the extreme boredom and monotony of it all as a price I was more than willing to pay for all this perceived safety.
I could easily continue down the rabbit hole of berating myself for letting things get to this point, but to what end? I cannot change the past. I will, however, sabotage my future if I refuse to show myself some compassion. And that, my dear readers, is why choosing the right narrative is one of the most important things we can do in this life.
I can and have painted myself as a loser who blew her shot at happiness and is now about to lose everything. That narrative, though highly justifiable, only leads to more of the same. Albert Einstein once famously said “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.”
It’s also true that I have countless reasons to be grateful, and this narrative swap is everything! Because of all the things I tried, I won’t be one of those people who looks back on their life filled with regrets and what-ifs. I didn’t just hope to write a book, I f-ing did it! Maybe I pursued a lot of channels that didn’t pan out, but at least I went after my dreams! I may lose my home, but at least I got to have one and thoroughly enjoy it- many people will never get that opportunity.
This isn’t me sugar coating things or putting lipstick on a pig. You see, this narrative is not only just as accurate as the one that leaves me feeling hopeless- it is the only one I can subscribe to if I wish to create the future I want and deserve. It all starts with how I speak to the person staring back at me in the mirror. If she were anyone but me, kindness and compassion would be a given, but like many, I tend to be my own worst enemy.
That said, it won’t be easy, this change in perception. New neural pathways must be formed and that takes time. Habits must be broken, and patterns reworked. But if it means being able to embrace happiness instead of white knuckling it, if it means self-love not self-loathing, then add it to the growing list of things I won’t regret;)