It’s very clear to me that one chapter of my life is ending and another is beginning. The same could be said for our country as a whole but for the sake of brevity, I will stick with my own personal bubble for most of this article.
I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting lately and for the most part, it’s been quite cathartic.
For me, 2020 was the start of the last chapter. I quit my job of 23 years, wrote a book, and bought a home for me, my ex roommate Jen, and her cat Judy to share.
I didn’t know it at the time, but I would have a five year sabbatical of sorts, where I would get to live life on my own terms and not have to work. This luxury was afforded to me because of my ex buying me out of our home post divorce, and the home I sold after my dad passed in 2021, which involved hiring a lawyer as we were estranged- long story, and very unexpected, but I digress.
In that time I pursued many different career paths and published said book. But here’s where it gets tricky- here’s where how you frame something makes all the difference. When I looked back on the last five years, at least initially, I felt like a failure. I say this because I basically had a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to find my purpose and establish a career…and all this time later, I still don’t know what I’m doing. Who gets that kind of chance and then blows it?
Granted, and I say this in reflection, not for sympathy, I have been battling debilitating depression for a good chunk of those years, which can take a toll on both finances and motivation. I’ve tried many things to combat my regression into the darkness with varying degrees of lasting success which I’ve chronicled in past articles. So far, the combination of microdosing psilocybin and SAMe has worked the best.
That said, sometimes I believe change helps us get out of a funk and breaks the monotony of the day to day doldrums. My old roommate Jen moved out, and sadly, her kitty Judy passed away last month, which was a profound sign that an era of sorts was coming to a close. Additionally, financially, it’s time to get back into the working world and explore the possibilities, as limiting and scary as they may seem at times.
However, amidst all the newness, a different train of thought occurred to me- I had this amazing opportunity and seriously, how freaking cool is that?!!! I got to pursue dreams and various whims, I got to hope, I got to travel and see friends, I got to expand my horizons and step out of my comfort zone. Maybe it didn’t yield a fabulous new career, but at least I f-ing went for it! I certainly didn’t waste it; and that reframe is literally the difference between me disappearing down the shame spiral or me being filled with gratitude and positive reflection. I don’t know what the future holds, but I do know when I look back on my life I won’t be filled with what-ifs and regrets.
Importantly, who am I to say that finding a career is even what the last five years were all about? That’s what I told myself, and that is how I justified leaving my job without having another one lined up, but maybe it was simply a test. Will the girl who has lived her entire life in a bubble in order to protect herself abandon it altogether if the opportunity presents itself?
The last chapter was only a waste if I choose to see it that way, and though it’s difficult not to believe the best years are in the past- especially with the current political climate, I know I am here for a reason. We are ALL here for a reason, even if we don’t know what it is just yet.
We are all experiencing a new chapter, here together on this planet at this very moment in history, and I believe with all my heart and soul that that is no coincidence.